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Does she even care about me?


The information provided through Ask a Therapist is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. The information provided is solely for educational purposes. We encourage you to call United Action for Youth Counseling Department at 319-338-7518 and set up an appointment with one of our licensed mental health professionals to further discuss concerns and treatment options. If you believe you are a danger to self or others please call 911 or the crisis hotline at 1-855-800-1239.

Dear Confused,

Two years in a high school relationship is a long time. That says a lot for both of you. That’s long enough to get to know each other pretty well.

After we get to know each other for a while, we sometimes fall into habits without thinking about it. It may be that you and your girlfriend have fallen into a habit where you are “the initiator.” It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend minds this arrangement, but it leaves you wondering about things.

A serious relationship that involves time and intimacy, thrives with intentional communication. It’s good to reflect on what’s happening, think about how we’re feeling, about things we might need, and identify questions we might have. Then, when we’re feeling balanced and calm, we share our thoughts and feelings with the person we care about, and ask our questions. By sharing these thoughts and feelings you can understand yourselves and the situation better.

This may involve a bit of negotiation. Ask your partner to do something different. Offer to do something different yourself. In a fair negotiation, you can ask for 100% of what you want. This is because you know the other person is not obligated to do what you ask. There is room in a serious relationship to meet our own needs and to support each other.

Think about sitting down with your girlfriend and having a talk. Ask questions. Share your feelings and concerns. Think about what’s good in your life together and what you want more of. I think you’ll be pleased with what happens.

~A therapist

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